This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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