no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
