She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
as a side note pls kill me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
