Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
