Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
