i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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