I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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