How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
