Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
