if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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