Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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