A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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