Sober January is a disaster.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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