respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
