A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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