Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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