I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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