I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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