woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
