never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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