we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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