Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
