we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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