I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
