I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
