Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
