apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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