Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
