my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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