The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
P.S. I can't hear my feet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
