i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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