At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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