Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
