pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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