I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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