i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
be right there i have to get my cape
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
