I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I supernannyed him into submission
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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