Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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