I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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