I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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