we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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