well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
