This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
