My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
