seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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