Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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