Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
