I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
