Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
