this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
