shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
