No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I wear drunk well.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
