I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
