Christians are straight up FREAKS
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
