I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
