I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my shit smells like andre
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
