Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
