Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
