you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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