ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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