Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
