I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
